Saturday, August 18, 2012

More fiber dyeing and spinning and birthdays

The weather has been sweltering in Southern California in recent weeks.  This is definitely great weather for fleece washing as well as dyeing.  I am like a squirrel stocking up my supplies for the winter season so that I will have lots to spin and create with when it is cold and rainy and things won't dry outside.

Trying some new dyeing experiments to create mixed colorways in one batch - see if you like some of the results below:

Additionally, flower yarns are still calling to me and I've been making felted flowers, insects, fruits, etc to add to some fun new yarns.  Here are a couple of examples of these as well as a few long locks hand spun yarns (the locks are 14 inches long - just amazing!)

Please be warned, below is a sharing of my personal sadness about a part of my life that I would like to have be otherwise.  So, hang on and bear with me, I need to get this off my chest, wipe my tears and appreciate the ones who love, nurture and care about me.

Well, yesterday was my only child's 41st birthday.  I hope he is well and happy, wherever he may be.  The day he was born I was so in awe of this little fellow in my arms with his big dark eyes and serious expression.  I never knew how it was possible to love anything in this world more.  He was a sweet and loving child who, when he was four, told me he had "wandered around the cosmos and chosen me for his mother again..." We had some rough financial times when he was little and I essentially raised him as a single mom.  There were lots of challenges and I know I made lots of mistakes but no one could have loved a child more.  As he became more influenced by outside voices and the material aspects of life, he seemed to find me sadly lacking.  I was not beautiful, rich, thin or influential enough for him.  After he graduated from Berkeley, he moved to New York City. At that point, he began to change in ways I still cannot comprehend.  Eventually, he told me "I had done nothing of any value for him in his life" and stopped talking to me.  This has been about 8-9 years ago.

During the interim, my health has seriously gone downhill and I find myself in a wheelchair most of the time and also have kidney disease which is definitely not fun. Despite all of this, I still am able to do things that I love which include spinning, knitting, crocheting, dyeing as well a little garden dabbling. These things have been major blessings which fill my life.  I also have a husband who loves me dearly and tries so hard to take good care of me even though he has his own challenges (having had a major motorcycle accident which has left him brain injured.)   I have come to terms (most days) with the prospect of never hearing from my son again in my lifetime.  It does not make me happy but that is where things stand.

How can someone who has been my greatest joy in life also be my deepest sorrow?  I guess no matter what we do as parents is wrong but I did try.  May all of you who have loving children rejoice in them..  Sorry for my sadness about this today but I just could not let this go unsaid as it has been weighing on my heart.  I do miss my son.


Kyle William said...

Janice -

Just so you know, I see you as a wonderful, loving, nurturing soul who wants nothing more than the absolute best for everyone. Be proud of yourself for having the courage to put "into the universe" the things that hurt you. These things, painful as they are, have also made you who you are, and led you to this day.

Most people aren't good at sharing what's in their hearts. If you focus on being the amazing person you *are*, the rest will fall into place.

Sending you hugs from San Francisco,


Heike R. said...

Hallo, nicht traurig sein. Sie machen so viel Freude mit Ihren Sachen, selbst im fernen Deutschland.
Alles Gute für Sie!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hugs! Your creativity reflects your loving spirit. Many blessings continued for you.....

Eliza said...

With tears in my eye's I just felt to write to you.
Because I know how it is to be a loved kid and can't understand either why he chose the way he did
I had my 40th-birthday in middle of august and for me the greatest sorrow was that my dad wasn't there to celebrate with us the hole family.
He died one and a half year ago and this year is the toughest one for me. I'm so happy that my younger brother now have to kids so our family will go on and grow to a big bunch.

I can't imagine how it is not to feel the warmth of a loving family regardless money, influence or status.
So I really really hope that your son will change his heart and mind and wants to have contact and have lovely meetings with you and the rest of our and his family. He don't know what he is missing or he do and can't take the first step so I hope someone can help him see what he is missing or help him pick up the phone and make "that" phone call.
I wish with you! =-)

(from Sweden so pardon my English :-D )

PJ said...

I can sympathize and empathize on numerous levels. I don't know you personally, but feel connected from a fiber standpoint, a mom standpoint etc.

I just want to send you a giant virtual hug, and then a virtual 10 minutes over a cup of coffee or tea sitting around a kitchen table with the window open, listening to the birds outside and feeling the breeze on our faces, and watching the sun dance on the tabletop.

It will come around....I feel it, even if it's next lifetime. That doesn't mend the heartache now, but please know that you have support for your heart from a stranger in the midwest.

Janice Rosema said...

Thanks to all of you for your kindness and good wishes. I really appreciate it.

Janice Rosema said...

Kyle, you are such a sweetheart. You have the most wonderfully compassionate heart for people and also take action to help those who need it in your community. I thank you so much and really miss you.